My Secret Plan to Undermine the Morality of America

By Davis Cope, October 1998

The Religious Right talks a lot about humanists, atheists, agnostics, evolutionists, etc. and their plans to undermine the morality of America.  OK, here's mine: counterfeit Gideon Bibles.

PROPOSED CHANGES:

Gen. 3:21. And the LORD GOD made garments of skins for the man and for his wife, and clothed them.

CHANGE TO: And the LORD GOD made garments of dinosaur skins for the man and for his wife, and clothed them. That's what happened to the dinosaurs.

Gen. 4:1-2.  Now the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, "I have produced a man with the help of the LORD. Next she bore his brother Abel.

CHANGE TO: Now the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, "I have produced a man with the help of the LORD." In the meantime, she invented sewing to repair the skins, and weaving to replace them, and she discovered fire and taught herself to cook, invented babysitting and elementary hygiene (enough to get along), learned about medicinal herbs (making a few mistakes along the way as is only understandable), taught herself to make clay pots, and discovered laundry and its necessity. Next she bore his brother Abel, but by then she had figured out that children did not arrive with the LORD's help alone. Adam invented patriarchy.

Job 26:7. He stretches out Zaphon over the void, and hangs the earth upon nothing.

CHANGE TO: He stretches out Zaphon over the void. The earth circles the sun once a year and rotates on its axis once a day, too.

Isa. 40:22. It is he who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers; who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them like a tent to live in.

CHANGE TO: The earth is not flat like a plate; the sky is not spread over it like the roof of a tent. The domelike appearance of the sky is an illusion caused by a limited point of view, and the earth is a sphere. That's what he sits above.

John 20:14-15.  When she [Mary Magdalene] had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, "Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?" Supposing him to be the gardener,she said...

CHANGE TO: When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not know that it was Jesus, for he was naked, his clothes having been taken by the soldiers [John 19:23] and his burial wrappings left in the tomb [John 20:5-7]. Jesus said to her, "Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?" Supposing him to be the gardener, she said ...

Gal. 2:11-12.[Paul writing] But when Cephas [Peter] came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood self-condemned; for until certain people came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles.

CHANGE TO: When Peter came to Antioch, I gave him the right hand of fellowship, just as he had welcomed me at Jerusalem. There is no friction between us.  He does his job, I do mine, and it's all the Lord's work. I have to give him a few pointers from time to time, but I have to do that with everybody. In fact, I give Peter fewer pointers than I give other people because he's inspired by God a lot of the time, like when he's writing epistles.